Smallhammer
by Uncle WAAAGH
Summary: My spin on the idea of the Warhammer 40k universe descaled into model size. Space marines now an inch tall, destructive monoliths going up to your ankle, titans going up to your knees.
1. Chapter 1: Arrival

Hello! My name is Uncle WAAAGH!

So this is my first fanfiction, although I am familiar of how to write.

Now the idea i have is not original, quite a few people have done it before, but i want to take a spin. Such stories are Tinyhammer and Minihammer, where you can find from their respective authors.

The premise is, the vast armies of warhammer 40k have been shrunk down to their model size. Hulking ten foot tall space marines now an inch tall. The destructive monoliths only go up to the ankle. Titans going up to your knees. (Not my description)

So this is my take on the hilarious idea, enjoy!

Sternguard Veteran Eremiel of the Ultramarines swung his chainsword, deflecting a clumsy blow from the hulking greenskin, before digging the chainsword down its chest, dark red ichor flooding out of its body, as its body flopped into two halves. He ducked underneath another blow, tripping a greenskin with his foot, before lining up a single bolt pistol shot. Its head exploded in a shower of bone and gristle. The rest of his tactical squad had been killed, and how he was surrounded by orks.

"Oi! Ya stoopid gitz! Lemme show ya 'ow a real ork does some krumpin!" A booming voice cackled, pushing the greenskins aside. They hooted and hollered, pounding their cleavers and hatchets on the ground, making a booming noise. This was a Warboss, the force commander equivalent of the xenos. It smiled at him, its large foul teeth with chunks of meat stuck between him. The large beady red cyborg eye sized up his opponent.

"Foul xenos! You may kill me today, but the emperor is my light." Eremiel snarled at him, the chainsword roaring in anger. The massive ork let out a loud guffaw, his massive chainaxe roaring in his left hand, the right one now a permanently attached kustom shoota.

"Anuva 'ead fur me boss pole, dat is always good dat is." The Warboss snarled, spittle flying from its oversized canines, its spit landing on Eremiel's helmet. He boiled within, ready to parry any blow he threw at him.

I came home from work, parking the car in My garage. I looked at my new house, and smiled. My grandmother left the house in her will, just to prove our two suckup sisters that they were suckups, and should go get a job. I could still feel that shoe that they threw at me, and I rubbed the back of my head in sympathy. The house itself was large, with three bedrooms (one for myself, two guests), two bathrooms, a living room, dining room, an office, a basement and an attic. The rent actually wasn't that much, which was good, as I had to refocus all of my efforts on paying student loans. I worked at an office downtown, but it paid well. I fumbled with the keys, as I opened the door. I heard some weird noise in the kitchen, and decided to investigate. I greeted my dog, which was calmly sleeping on its bed in the living room.

"Come at me xenos! Die like a coward!" Eremiel roared at the warboss. The warboss snarled, as the greenskins made room for the massive combatants. The warboss charged, swinging his axe. Eremiel rolled out of the way, slicing his chainsword at its arm. The teeth of the chainsword roared, as it met metal. He fired the bolt pistol at the arm holding the axe, the bolts detonating on the metal armor.

"Stoopid space mehrine! Yooze gonna die now!" The warboss cackled, lining up his shooter. Eremiel realised his mistake. At this range, the warboss couldn't miss, no matter how quickly Eremiel moved. Eremiel threw down his bolt pistol, taking off his crimson helmet, revealing his battered and scarred face. He brushed his service studs in anger, his crystal blue eyes sizing up his killer.

"Kill me then." Eremiel spat at the xenos. It cackled, when suddenly a booming voice, seemingly from the sky itself, roared.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" I yelled. Thousands of heads turned my way. I was completely shocked. A miniature battle being taken place on my kitchen table! They all stopped fighting, and looked at me. They were small, most around an inch in height, but they were everywhere!

"Alright… Who's in charge here?" I demanded. They didn't move a muscle. I sighed, taking out the baseball bat I sometimes played with, that leaned on the door to the backyard.

"Answers!" I demanded. The massive green blob stepped aside, and a hulking figure stepped out of the mass. Taller than the others, around two inches tall, it yelled at him.

"Oim Warboss Gorefist! And oim gonna kick yer arse!" It roared, as it fired its weapon. I cried out loud. Jesus christ, those bullets hurt! I snarled, as I whacked the baseball bat at the warboss, smashing him into the table, the entire table leaning, with the power of my whack. The creature was turned into a green and red paste on my table. The rest of the creatures hollered, as they started to run away, running underneath my feet, hiding in the crooks and crannies of my dining room. A blue figure stood up proudly.

"Sternguard Veteran Eremiel of the Ultramarines 1st company. At your service." The sergeant said proudly. As I examined him, I realised that Eremeil's armor was highly decorated, purity seals hanging freely from his armor, a white cloak tied around his waist.

"And who were the green beans?" I asked. Eremiel slipped on his crimson helmet, snarling.

"Those are the foul orks, or greenskins. Do not worry, we shall purge them." He said, plopping his fist in his open hand, before reaching for his chainsword and bolt pistol, which was discarded onto the ground. More and more blue figures came around him, and I counted seventy in total. Tanks and other vehicles drove up to the corner of the table, where Eremiel stood. The rest of the Ultramarines looked astonished, at the massive creature that had single handedly scared off the ork WAAAGH!

"Alright no. no no no. You guys ruined my kitchen! I ain't letting you fight anything, or anyone." I said, pointing at the devastation of my kitchen. My collection of playboy magazines were ruined, holes all across their spines (I especially winced at this). A box of Pepsi cans were leaking cola all over the floor, and my breadbox was riddled with holes. Several broken cups and plates lied on the kitchen table, broken porcelain all over the table.

"Are there anymore of you people here?" I asked Eremiel. He shrugged.

"We are not too sure. I can't remember too much." Eremiel said, rubbing his head. He looked back up at Me.

"However, Terran, we would be glad to help you in the cause of finding our allies… and enemies…" Eremiel growled.

"Alright. Let's go look for them." I grumbled.

Eremiel looked up at the massive Terran, as it stomped away from the kitchen.

"Sergeant… what shall we do with the Terran?" Brother Omniel asked, and Eremiel merely shrugged.

"We have fallen from the emperor's light it seems. I sense the foul presence of chaos here… however. We follow his orders for now, until we can get out of this foul place…" Eremiel decided, as the Ultramarines began to move out. Space Marines boarded rhinos and razorbacks, as they carefully descended down the table, the whack with the mighty wooden thunder hammer making the table slanted. Land speeders cruised ahead, as they left the 'kitchen' following the massive terran.

As Eremiel had called them 'orks', they now started to gather up in a large mob, at the center of my rug.

"Alright. Now which one of you is the leader?" I asked, patting the baseball bat affectionately. The massive ork mob receded, leaving a lonely ork.

"What's your name?" I asked it.

"Doomspitta!" The ork shouted back. I chuckled. What a nice name.

"Alright Doomspitta." I said, rolling the name on my tongue. "I don't know where you freaks came from, but you're in my house. My house, my rules. First rule. No fighting."

"No foightin! But… But... Dats not fair!" Doomspitta yelped, but he quickly stopped ranting instantly, when I clutched my bat harder, my fingers going white from the pressure.

"You said it boss. No foightin." Doomspitta mumbled. Many of the orks yelled, but as I squinted at them, they stopped their complaining.

"Eremiel. Doomspitta, you're coming with me." I said, turning to the two armies, who looked like they were ready to beat the crap out of each other.

"Please don't fight. I'll go look for any other armies." I ordered.

"They will try." Eremiel said, as I scooped up both Eremiel and Doomspitta, holding them in one hand.

"Pray that when the terran isn't looking, that you die quickly." Eremiel snapped at Doomspitta

"Ya stoopid humie. Da boss said dere be no foightin." Doomspitta retorted.

"Hold the line! Hold the line dammit!" Lord General Irina roared, the Leman Russ tank exploded closeby, as the Tau broadsides fired with their railguns, destroying tanks.

"Heavy weapon teams! Hold back those kroot dammit! For every kroot you kill, is one less bullet I'll put in your head! Commissar! Morale!" Irina ordered, the vox operator shivering from her rage. She gave him a hard stare, before he started to stammer out orders.

"Morale is acceptable, Lord General." Commissar Boone said, reloading his bolt pistol, each shot with the value of one dead coward.

"Acceptable is all I need." Irina said, watching with magnoculars as the heavy weapon teams mowed down the charging kroot carnivores, fire warriors moving for cover, as las fire flushed them out of the open. Suddenly, light flooded into the room, blinding the clashing armies.

"Aw not in the office!" A booming voice roared.

I could handle the kitchen. I didn't really cook anyways, as I normally ordered takeout. But my office… turned into a battleground too. They fought on my computer desk, which spanned from one corner to the other. My desk was a mess, Soldiers hiding behind my cabinets as cover, as strange little robot suits stood on top of overturned folders, guns smoking.

"Alright. Leaders, step out. Armies, stand down. I don't wanna kill any of you." I said. Eremiel peeled back one of my fingers, looking at the clashing armies.

"Tau! Guardsmen! Stand down!" Eremiel yelled.

"Ya, ya stoopid humies and blooies!" Doomspitta yelled. Looking at the massive titan, One tau and a few guardsmen left their respective side.

"Greetings. I am Shas'O T'au To'resh." The Tau said. He was in a crisis battlesuit, a tan body, with red orbed lenses. A few drones hovered around him. I frowned at the name, and the Tau sighed.

"Gue'la, you may call me To'resh, or simply by my peers, Shas'o Foresight." Foresight said. I sighed. At least he understood how hard it was to say.

"I am Lord General Irina, leader of the remnants of the 417th Cadian Regiment, and these is my attendants." Irina said, moving her short red hair, dressed in formal attire, with red and black stripes.

"This is Commisar Boone, Sanctioned Psyker Arnest, and Lieutenant Malisa." She said, pointing to each one of them. Boone gave a tip of his peaked cap, and I whistled. That uniform was badass. Malisa saluted, dressed in similar attire as the rest of the guardsmen, and Arnest waved, dressed in bright robes that partially covered his face, and as soon as he did, the room felt a little colder.

"Do you guys know if there are any more armies out there?" I asked them. Irina shrugged.

"No. We only remember waking up here, and so did they." Irina said, pointing at Foresight. He nodded.

"The Gue'la speaks true. The Cadre woke up with very little memory. Then we encountered the Gue'la." Foresight said, pointing at Irina.

"Alright. Irina, Foresight come with me. I said, kneeling down.

"I'm not sure I trust you Gue'la, especially with a Be'gel in your palm. Foresight said, cautiously stepping on my hand. He felt surprisingly heavy, despite his small size.

"Tau. If he were to kill you, he would have done so already." Eremiel assured him, as he helped the Lord General onto my hand. He left, checking more and more of my rooms.

Farseer Alrosa shot out forked lightning from her hands, electrifying Chaos Cultists as they charged.

"For the dark gods!" They screamed, as they charged into the Howling Banshees, as the Banshees screamed. Their wail pierced through the cultists minds, and they hollered in gibbering delight, as they grabbed their skulls in satisfaction, moaning as their ears bled profusely. Chaos Marines charged with chainswords and bolt pistols. Alrosa leaped at them, knocking three of them over, as with three sharp jabs, ended their lives. What the Imperials called the Sisters of Battle were here too, all though she hadn't seen any of them so far in the confusing melee.

"Eldar Witch! Prepare to die…" The chaos lord roared at her. Alrosa turned to him, as the chaos lord sliced through cultists and eldar alike to get to her. He was dressed in massive terminator armor, a combi bolter in one hand, a rusted, yet gleaming power sword in the other. The foul colors of the black legion, and the marks of the dark gods on his black armor was all that she could see of him, although powerful red fire seeped out of its viewing slit.

"Come slave! Let us put you out of your misery." Alrosa said, twirling her singing spear, putting it in an enguard position. The chaos lord snarled, firing his combi bolter. Alrosa ducked and weaved out of the way, bolter bullets hitting cultists behind her, as their bodies exploded, the explosive bullets ripping them to pieces. As they clashed, a flooding light came from the ground, lighting up the dark area in which they fought. The three armies ceased their attacks, as a massive figure climbed up the stairs, a massive sun in his hands.

"Out of all places… the attic?" I said aloud, as the three armies froze in confusion.

"Heretics! Filthy Heretics! Consorting with Xenos is one thing, but you must kill me if you wish for me to side with them!" Eremiel said, activating his chainsword. He was about to leap into the tide of chaos forces, before I blocked his path.

"Oo! Spikey boyz! Boss! If we can't be friends with da spiky boyz, can we stomp em?" Doomspitta pleaded, snapping his massive crab like claw, that had permanently been attached to his left arm.

"I'll consider it. First, I want to find out what the hell you're all doing in my house…"

After twenty minutes (ten fixing my table) I had set the assorted leaders of each faction down on my kitchen table. I had searched through the basement, and I found a small table for dolls, most likely from one of my sisters. I found it amusing as these hard core killers sat at a little pink table, with smiley faces and flowers. It would have been even funnier if I gave them something to drink.

"Alright, first things first. Who the hell are all of you?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"We are the Space Marines." Eremiel said, standing up from the table.

"Those are the Greenskins, Eldar, Sisters of Battle, Imperial Guardsmen, Filthy Heretics, and Tau." He said, pointing at each and everyone of them

"Ok, thank you Sergeant Eremiel. I didn't catch your name, Filthy Heretic and Sister of Battle. Care to share?" I asked. The Chaos lord rose from the table, warpfire flaming from his viewing slit.

"Feeble worm! I am Lord Lodax, Terror of a hundred worlds! Slayer of the Innocent! Pillager of a thousand cities! Chosen of Chaos Undivided! I am the doom of all of you imbeciles!" Lodax roared, before he "sat" down in his chair. I let out a little snigger.

"You dare laugh at me? I will have your tongue for this!" Lodax growled at me, the warpfire receding. His banner made of human skin flapped freely in the air.

"Alright i'm sorry, o master. And what about you, miss?" I asked, my tone going down.

"Cannoness Kateal, of Our Martyred Lady." She said politely. She was dressed in full power armor, holy icons wrapped around her neck, and around her shoulder pauldrons, holy fire burning freely on a torch on her back. I smiled. The Sisters of Battle and Tau were the only ones who seemed manageable.

"Alright, it's ten o'clock, and I have to go to work tomorrow. Now, you guys can pick where you want to be, as I only stay around the living room. Couch is Neutral, and no fighting." I said again, with emphasis.

"But these filthy heretics cannot be trusted! They are probably the reason we are here in the first place!" Kateal pleaded, pointing at Lodax. Lodax sneered at her.

"You have fallen from the emperor's light. Perhaps it would be better if you served under my cause." Lodax chuckled.

"You will stay silent, filthy heretic, before I kill you right now." Irina snarled. They started to curse at each other, before I slammed my hand on the kitchen table, shaking them all.

"I had enough of your bickering!" I yelled, before I sighed.

"Alright listen. I don't know where you came from, but you live in my house. My house, my rules. Maybe, if you guys don't kill each other while you sleep, I can set up a way for you guys to settle your differences peacefully." I yawned, rubbing my eyes.

"Anyways… you guys can go wherever you want, just remember living room is neutral, so not there. I'm going to bed." I sighed. They all got into my hand, and I dropped them off at the base of the stairs, before I climbed into bed.


	2. Chapter 2: Awakening

So this is Chapter Two of Smallhammer.

I hope you enjoy!

I awoke, not to my beeping alarm clock, but the warcry of orks.

"WAAAGH!" the entire warband roared, startling me. I was about to yell at them, but then I sighed. I remembered that I said they could live wherever they wanted, just not in the living room. But I wondered, out of all of the other races, why the orks would want to be in my bedroom?

"Morning Boss!" Doomspitta said eagerly, climbing up to my bed.

"Morning." I said groggily, wiping my eyes. I flipped over my sheet, smothering half a dozen orks. I stood up, noticing that my dresser had been completely looted. It had been turned into a metal scrapheap, with guns pointing at every angle. I sighed. I didn't really use that dresser anyways. Small totems that said WAAAGH! Were all over the place. One was even placed through alarm clock. I wouldn't miss that clock though.

"So boss, oi was wonderin… if we can't foight da humies, or da spiky boyz, or da panzee gits, can we foight each uvva?" Doomspitta asked him. I sighed. I really did not want to say yes, but at the same time, I kind of didn't want to say no. I didn't want the orks to possibly turn on me, which was wholly possible.

"Ok fine, as long as you keep out of the way though. And clean up after yourselves. And don't burn down my house dammit." I said, dressing into my normal attire; Jeans and a shirt. I left my room, then the orks started to yell in joy, as they savagely beat the crap out of each other, as I closed the door. I went to the bathroom, relieved that no one was encamped in my toilet, and started to comb my hair.

As I climbed downstairs, I went into the kitchen, and I stopped. My entire kitchen had turned into a military barracks. Chimeras and Leman Russes drove along certain highways on the kitchen counters, guardsmen firing their lasers at pieces of bread, fashioned as targets.

"Good morning, Governor!" Lord General Irina beamed at him, coming out of a chimera, Autocannons being lowered from bunkers along the counter.

"Morning. Out of all places, why my kitchen?" I asked her, as I opened one of the snackboards, taking out a can of coffee mix.

"Well, the kitchen provides us with the height advantage, in case of attack, and has many places for target practice. What are you doing, Governor? Not if you don't want to answer, of course." Irina asked him, as he took out a mug from the washing machine, filling it with water.

"Coffee." I said simply, opening the fridge, pulling out a carton of milk.

"You mean Recaf?" She suggested. I shook my head.

"No. Coffee. Want to try?" I asked. She looked at her aides. Malisa shrugged, as did Boone, and Arnest.

"Lord General, I should try it first, incase if it's not safe to ingest." Malisa volunteered.

"Very well." Irina sighed. I took out the smallest dish I could find (A soy sauce dish) and poured the coffee inside, before taking a sip out of my cup. Malisa took out a mug, trying the drink. She frowned, then beamed.

"Lord General, It is… amazing!" She smiled, handing the mug to Irina. She took a smile, and beamed.

"Governor… this is simply amazing! You don't mind if I ration it out with the men… right?" She pleaded, like a child. I gave a smile.

"No. Not at all." I chuckled, as guardsmen by the platoon came around the soy sauce dish, taking swigs of coffee.

As I went to the office, I was greeted by the sound of screaming. I sighed. Now he knew where Lodax had assembled his warriors. As I opened the door, I watched as cultists turned to face me, a sorcerer armed with a dagger slitting their necks, blooding pouring into runes carved into the table. A whole temple was being constructed around them, slaves taking materials from seemingly nowhere, assembling the temple.

"Begone, Whelp. We have a ritual in place." Lodax growled, emerging from the shadows of the temple, activating his power sword.

"Lodax… why?" I asked, kneeling down to get to his eye level. He was quite tall, for their size, at least, but still, he seemed very intimidating.

"We wish to stay as far from the corpse emperor lackeys as possible. Here was the best position, we decided." Lodax replied calmly, as he waved to the sorcerer, who continued the sacrifice.

"And… what's this for?" I asked, standing up, waving my hand at the sacrifice.

"Power demands sacrifice." Lodax said cryptically.

"I hope your not trying to summon demons in here…" I asked. Lodax shook his head.

"Although we certainly tried, it appears the realm we have entered is like a nullifying field… no daemons can come in, or out. The dark gods also seem to be... unresponsive... to our prayers and rituals. Although, we can still use our psychic powers…" Lodax confessed. I was surprised, as I didn't think Lodax would actually tell the truth. I grabbed several folders from a filing cabinet before I turned to them.

"So… are you guys hungry? I can go out and buy some food." I suggested. Lodax looked at me.

"Yes… you may…" Lodax said, not saying a word as I left, closing the door behind me. As I left, I heard another scream, followed by the sound of someone getting killed. I sighed. What wonderful roommates.

It was seven o'clock, and I normally left at eight, so I decided to explore my own house, trying to find where the rest of the armies were. The Tau were stationed in the first guest bedroom, which was right next to the office, and as I entered, I had to brush past battlesuits, with their heavy railguns pointed straight down from the frame.

"My apologies Gue'la. We always, must be aware, especially with the the gue'la next door." Foresight apologized, landing on my shoulder.

"None taken. I'm just checking on everybody before I leave."

"Excellent. We have a few reports of requests." Foresight said, as a team of drones flew over, carrying a small note of paper. Printed neatly, it said;

Food

Water

Hotter Temperature

Supplies

"Hotter Temperature?" I asked quizzically, rereading the list.

"Yes. Us Tau are more used to desert climates, so a more arid environment would be best." Foresight explained.

"Fair enough. Thats it?" I asked him.

"Yes, Gue'la. That's it." Foresight said, before he floated off. I noticed that the guest bed was now completely covered in small dome like structures. Their seemed to be different types of Tau, some short and stocky, while others were tall and thin. They all seemed to have different purposes. I should ask Foresight about this if I have the time. I closed the door behind me, as I descended into the basement.

The basement was where the remnants of the Ultramarine Strikeforce was. They used old cardboard boxes as their base of operation, setting up turrets all around. I smirked, as I saw Ultramarines lifting pencils like weights.

"Greetings, Terran." Eremiel said, sitting on top of the cardboard stronghold.

"Morning. You know where the Sisters of Battle went, and the Eldar?" I asked him.

"Yes. The Sisters of Battle occupy the barren wastes far above, while the filthy xenos sit in the white mountains to the north." Eremiel said. After Thinking about it for moments, I kind of guessed where they were. The Sisters of Battle were in the attic, while the Eldar had taken refuge in the bathroom. Strange.

"So… What's with the great wall of cardboard?" I asked casually, sitting down on a step, careful not to squish a rhino carrying supplies.

"Well… since we are in unidentified area, and until our librarian can figure out how to escape this place, we must take refuge. It goes against the codex astartes, which values speed, mobility, and flexibility, but I doubt the tactics of the codex will be... effective here. However, the emperor guides us. He will lead us to safety." Eremiel said.

"Who is this… emperor… anyways?" I asked, and I immediately regretted it. Eremiel looked at me like I just asked what was water for.

"The emperor is a god among men. He is the master of our destiny, and the most powerful human of all time." Eremiel practically shouted.

"But the chaos guys said that you worship a corpse. Is that true?"

"You have been listening to those heretics? I would stay clear of them. They may try to take over your mind, and your very soul." He said, his face getting very stern.

"But yes… the filthy heretics are true. partially. During the Horus Heresy, The Emperor slayed Horus, but his wounds were too great, and too many. He had been placed on a golden throne, only kept alive by the sacrifice of a thousand souls a day. He has been there for ten thousand years." Eremiel said grimly. I shuddered. Where ever they came from, it must suck.

"So… any requests, before I go check on the Sisters and Eldar?" I asked him. He shrugged.

"Some enemies would be nice. We must constantly train if we are not in battle. For from idleness, brews heresy." He said.

"Alright… I'll think about it." I said, before leaving the space marine stronghold.

The Sisters of Battle, along with the Tau, were the most manageable, even though as I entered the attic, dozens of flamers were pointed at me.

"Umm…" I mumbled, the fate of my eyebrows, mustache, and hair at the mercy of dozens of 1" inch tall nuns.

"Sisters! Show our master some respect!" Kateal fumed, blushing slightly, as the rest of the sisters went away, on to do their own duties. I was quite admired by their base of operations. While the orks used my dresser, the Imperial Guard my kitchen counter, Chaos, my desk, Tau, my guest bed, Space Marines, boxes, The Sisters of Battle had turned my sisters old doll houses into churches. They had painted the plastic windows of images of the emperor, and aquilas and other markers all over them. As a matter of fact, roughly fifty sisters rose from praying to look at me.

"What would be doing in here master? I hope those filthy greenskins arent giving you a hard time." She asked, at the mention of greenskins, some of the sisters nearby clutched their bolters and flamers a bit harder. A few Seraphim flew past, clutching bolt pistols

"Just checking in, before I leave to work." I chuckled, as Kateal turned, and smiled.

"Some food and water would be nice. We are starting to run out of rations." She replied. I nodded. It seemed that everyone was hungry, what to feed them, was a mystery. She looked up at me, staring me in the eyes, before she gave a little smile.

"Surely, you would like to attend daily prayer?" She asked.

"When I get back." I assured her. She solemnly nodded.

"Anything else?" I asked her. She shook her head.

"That would be all. Goodbye master. Have a good day at work." She smiled at me, and I smiled back, closing the attic door.

Finally, was the bathroom. As I opened the bathroom, I realised I could no longer use it again. Hundreds of black and white structures littered the checkered floor. Some Eldar were playing weird flutes, as structures seemingly popped out of the air. Dozens of warriors, each with a gleaming red crystal in the center of their armor, trained constantly, while others did their own business.

"Is there anything you need, mon'keigh?" Alrosa asked, completely scaring me. I was careful not to crush the Farseer on my shoulder, as she strangely appeared seemingly out of nowhere.

"Don't do that again. Just checking up." I growled. She gave me a look with those cold blue eyes, before I sighed.

"Before I go. Any requests?" I asked again, almost like a machine. These eldar were pretty annoying too, as they seemed to pop out of nowhere.

 _Be Careful of who are talking too, mon'keigh._ A voice said in my mind, and I glanced at the Farseer hanging from my shoulder.

She can read my mind? I thought

 _Yes I can. In addition, I could turn your soul inside out, and destroy you from within, but you have far more uses alive then dead. For now_. She said again.

"Well fuck you too… anything?" I asked again, more forcefully.

"Food, water. That is all." She said. I turned to push her off of my shoulder, but she had disappeared again. I mumbled to myself, slamming the door shut.


	3. Chapter 3: Expunged

Doomspitta laughed in pleasure, as he ripped another ork apart, spreading his guts all over the floor. He and the rest of the orks had been locked in a brutal civil war while the humie boss was gone. They fought by clans, and while the goffs charged into melee with the snakebites, the death skulls plundered the battlefield, stripping dead orks of their loot, while the bad moons shot out with fancy dakka, evil suns riding around on their bikes, and the blood axes, who hid in the shadows and fought. Unorky, those blood axes. Suddenly, a massive roaring could be heard in the distance.

"Oi! Wot wos dat?" Doomspitta said, the orks stopping their fighting. They peeked outside their door, as The Boss started to put on his shoes.

"Oi! Kommandos!" He yelled, as a dozen orks slipped out of the shadows. Kommandos were downright unorky, but they had their purposes.

"Ya boss?" They asked him.

"Ya see da big boss? Da big boss says that he's gonna work. Im finkin ya gits shuld foind out more about da humie, and were da zog weze is." Doomspitta winked. They got the message, and prepared for their trip downstairs. The boss seemed to be distracted on his gubbin, allowing the Silent Kommandos to sneak into his pocket.

"Now dat is clevva dat is." He said, before the fighting began once again, as the orks started clubbing one another.

Scout Sergeant Dather noticed the gaggle of greenskins climbing down the stairs. The Ultramarines kept true to their words, and would not kill anyone in the living room, as the Terran said, but why would these orks being following the Terran? He decided to investigate, hiding behind a lamp, as the orks quietly climbed up the Terrans pants, hiding in his pocket.

"Sternguard Veteran Eremiel, report." He whispered quietly in his earpiece.

"Scout Sergeant Dather, we hear you. What news from the front?" Eremiel responded.

"It appears A few Orks have infiltrated the Terrans pants…" Dather reported.

"What intent?" Eremiel asked.

"You can never tell with greenskins…" Dather replied.

"Fair enough… Infiltrate the Terran's pants. We must find out what intent the orks have… Eremiel out." The earpiece reported, before it clicked in his ear. He put away his sniper rifle, as he ran toward the Terran. He seemed distracted by something in his hand. He grappled up the strange feeling of its pants, before squirming into its pocket.

Shas'vre T'au Jax'elo watched as both the Be'gel and Gue'la climbed into the Terrans pocket.

"Shas'o To'resh, this is Shas'vre Jax'elo. It appears that Be'gel and Gue'la infiltrators are tagging along with the large gue'la." He reported.

"Understood. Tag along. Report anything worth finding." To'resh said. Jax'elo clicked the earpiece off, as his stealth suit engaged its cloaking abilities, he used the jetpack to land on the gue'las hair.

I felt something land on my hair, but I ignored it. Was most likely the wind or something. I opened the door, closing it behind me. I sighed. First day of work, with pint sized armies killing each other. Shocking. I walked to the car, pulling out my keys. I sat down into the car, and turned it on. I quickly checked that i had everything. Folder? Check. Phone? Check. Lunch? Not check. I sighed. Looks like I would have to buy Burger King. Again. I sighed, as I slowly drove out of the driveway, cruising along the street. My house was in a secluded area, so it would be a while before he got into downtown. I shrugged. Not like I cared. It was starting to turn winter, and what day was it?

"Shit… Halloween is in a week." I grumbled. Halloween was the worst. Because the houses around mine, were fancy and large, all of the "smart" kids would come around, demanding candy, because they thought it would be normal sized. I almost wanted to give them floss or something, but I wasn't doing that again. I forgot about it, turning on Metallica. "For whom the Bell Tolls" came on, and I couldn't help but rock along with it.

To'resh watched in horror as the massive creature began coming through the hallway. It was the size of a greater knarloc, a massive beast covered in brown fur. Its wrinkles flapped like wings all around its face, as it came pawing at the door.

"Hold it down! Hold it down!" He commanded, as the Broadside and Riptide battlesuits alike tried to hold off the massive creature.

"Shas'o! Should we fire on the creature?" Shas'vre T'au Kesax asked him, in his crisis battlesuit. To'resh debated about this for a moment. The large Gue'la would certainly be mad, but at the same time, how could they survive the onslaught? He didn't have time to respond, as the massive creature plowed through the door, wiping the broadsides and riptides away, as they crashed into dressers and the ottoman. The massive creature roared, its bark so loud that fire warriors were sent flying, even Crisis battlesuits having trouble not being swooped away.

"Retreat to the city! It can't reach us there!" To'resh decided, the jetpacks on his suit sending him propelling, as he landed outside the city walls. Other battlesuits climbed up, but one was not lucky. With the marks of Shas'vre, a broadside was captured by the massive beast. He could hear the pilot scream as the massive beast ran away with its prize, the suit whining as its massive pressure threatened to completely crush the battlesuit. To'resh cursed underneath his breath.

"Now what?" Kesax asked him. To'resh looked at him.

"We must rescue our brethren. Before it's too late."

Lodax sighed. Yet again, his prayers to the dark gods had gone unanswered. The rest of his warband grumbled too. The nullifying effects on the warp were blocking almost all of their sacrifices.

"Fear not brethren. The dark gods may not hear our pleas, but we will find a way to return back to our former glory, and not at the mercy of a simple mongrel." He said to the assembled marines. They turned away, bored. Without anything to fight, they had become bored. Very bored. The closest enemies to fight were the Tau, but with that massive beast on the prowl, he could not risk moving out to engage. Civil war would be pointless, as currently, the war band had no way to replenish their ranks.

"Mortegan… Pray that you have found a way out of this prison." Lodax said, turning to the sorcerer, who was trying to sulk away. He froze, before composing himself.

"My lord… there's a way to get out of this prison… however… it requires… a marginal sacrifice." Mortegan said. Lodax paused.

"What… Sacrifice?" Lodax asked. Mortegan shivered, before he continued

"We have the materials to make a warp portal, in order to return for the eye of terror. However… the souls required for needed for our escape is… marginal." Mortegan said carefully.

"And what is this? You?" Lodax assumed. Mortegan shook his head.

"No… the titan…"

Finally, I got to work. I parked the car in the parking lot outside the office, before I got in.

"Morning Daniel!" Samantha said to me. I smiled, waving back. She gave me a smile back. Samantha had to be sweetest person in the office, although she was already married. As a matter of fact, I didn't think anyone in the office was single. Not that I didn't mind, of course. Well… maybe I did…

"Daniel." The boss said, coming out of his office.

"Yeah boss?" I said, turning towards to him.

"My office. Now." he said, pointing to his office. I gulped, before going in. The boss closed the door behind me. He sulked to his chair, sitting down.

"Alright Daniel, I'll make one thing clear. You really have been mucking things up for us. The past few weeks, it's been you and you alone that has been holding this company back. I ask for a company report, and you send it in a week late." The boss said.

"But I was getting my PC upgraded! I couldn't work on it!" I countered. He snorted.

"Yeah… That's the third time i've heard that excuse. Well here is my excuse, for bringing you in here. You're fired. Go clean out your office." The boss retorted. I sighed, getting up, before I went to get my stuff.

"Oi… dat humie just… 'fired' em. Boss? Wot doz dat mean?" Maskrurd pondered quietly, before he was whacked in the head.

"Keep ya gob shut. Da boss dun work ere anymore." Karrok whispered. Maskrurd rubbed his head, before the Humies hand went into the pocket.

"Boyz! Duck!" Karrok yelped, as the humies hand squirmed around, grabbing the big metal fing that Rotgut was sitting on.

"Dat looks like some a good choppa, dat dos." Rotgut said.

"Dat it dos. Dat it dos." Maskrurd agreed.

Jax'elo wasn't as dumb as the Be'gel, as even though they had sneakily went into the gue'las pocket, he could still hear them. He had changed his hiding position from head to shoulder, after the Gue'la nearly suffocated him by putting on a hat. He knew that the gue'la had lost his occupation. Maybe if he believed in the greater good, for say, they wouldn't have to worry about losing jobs. Jax'elo didn't know what the space marine gue'la was doing, as he hadn't seen them since. The gue'la left the "office", heading back to his vehicle. Maybe he was going home. It was certainly possible, after all. He disengaged his stealth suit's cloaking field. Suddenly, he felt something grab for his throat, as he saw the space marine gue'la

"Any last words, Xeno?" The gue'la spat, holding a knife.

"Yes. Duck." Jax'elo said, as he fired his burst cannon with his hoof, right at the massive gue'las neck.

"Ow! The hell was that?" I said, wiping my shoulder. I saw two figures in my hand. They stood up.

"What are you guys doing here!" I whispered, as I closed the car door behind me, putting the two down.

"I was merely following the gue'la and be'gel!" The tau said, pointing at my pocket. I looked down my pocket, and started fishing around, until i pulled out a mob of orks. They roared and yelled at each other, as they climbed out of their pile.

"Alright, why are you guys here?" I demanded, pointing at the orks. They all separated from the largest one, who scratched his neck.

"Warboss Doomspitta told us kommando's to… watch ya, boss." He said. I sighed. I would have a lengthy conversation with Doomspitta. Lengthy.

"Alright… well fine." i sighed, slumping in my seat. The tau used his jetpack, landing on my shoulder.

"What appears to be wrong, Gue'la?" The tau asked me.

"I lost my job dammit… now I got to go find one…" I replied. The tau seemed at least sympathetic.

"Then… should we all return to your personal quarters?" the tau suggested.

"Yeah… but I'm hungry. Ill order some food, and then we will head home. Aight?" I said, to the assembled scouts. The scout saluted, while the ork kommandos stopped their fighting long enough to show their approval, before they beat the snot out of each other. I sighed.

"My life got ten times worst." I grimaced, as I started driving.

Irina sipped the last of her "coffee" although it was similar to recaf in purpose, it still tasted way better. The only one who didn't want to try was Commissar Boone, although Irina made sure that he kept his whispers of heresy and disobedience to himself. The Governor was nice enough to give them this gift, why not enjoy it?

"Lord general! Tau are outside the perimeter!" Malisa said. Irina rose from her chair, as she and her retinue marched out, to the lookout position. The few guardsmen working there handed her the magnoculars, and as she zoomed in, she could see several Devilfish and battlesuits, slowly marching out the hallway.

"Autocannons, overwatch. Fire if they get too close." Irina barked, as one of the guardsmen went to get the vox.

"What are they doing?" she said aloud, before Arnest answered.

"The tau seem to be after one of their friends. It appears that it has been taken by the beast." He said, the air around them feeling cold. Irina was never trusted psykers, even navigators, or sanctioned psykers. They were beacons in the warp, easy pickings for daemons. However, he was sanctioned, so she had to put some trust into him.

"Alright. Send a sentinel over to investigate." Irina said, as the guardsman returned, the vox strapped to his shoulder.

"Sentinel 7A-32, The Lord general has orders. Investigate the Tau presence, try to remain hidden." the guardsman said. Irina turned, as the elevator system the enginseers hastily created with any materials could find, as a Sentinel was lowered to the ground.

"Guardsman! Open a channel to the Sentinel. I want to know everything." She ordered. The guardsman quickly obliged, setting up a channel for the general.

"Sentinel 7A-32 Report." She said.

"Reporting for duty ma'am." The pilot responded.

"Alright good. We have tau outside the perimeter. Do not engage, only observe. If you are threatened, retreat." She said carefully. Because sentinel pilots often traveled alone, they often did not follow orders to the letter.

"Yes ma'am." The pilot reported. She breathed heavily.

"Alright. Go."

I arrived at Starbucks; my normal place of loneliness. Strangely, there weren't that many people at our Starbucks, well, as many as usual. For once, waiting in line was in the single digits. I set the guys down at the table furthest away from public view.

"Alright guys. Stay here, and don't you dare move. If people find out, being thrown outside would be a mercy of what they will do to you." I warned them, glaring at the mob of orks.

"You got it boss. Weze keep our gobs shut." One of them said, along with a hooting of approval.

"Shut the hell up!" I whispered at them, and they quickly realised their mistake.

"Yes, Terran. We will be quiet, but we will stay alert." The scout said, hiding amongst the folders. The orks and the tau got the idea, and hid amongst the papers. I smiled. At least they were learning something. I got up, and ordered a caramel coffee, and ten minutes of waiting later, and a misspelled name, I sat down, and started sipping my coffee.

"Oi boss! Wots dat?" One of the orks asked aloud, and I, yet again, had to tell him to shut the fuck up.

"Coffee." I said blankly, sipping, grumbling that a thick drizzle was starting to fall down from the skies. I started to try to think of something I could do. I lost my office job, but where would I go next? I could always go in business, as I did have a minor in that. I also had a minor in finances, but right now, I couldn't think of anything. For ten minutes, I sat there, absentmindedly, sipping the coffee, and every now and then, silencing the damn orks. Finally, I finished, and left, taking the orks, scout, and tau with me. I remembered that I had to buy the armies food and water. Water wouldn't be hard. Give them a water bottle, last the month. What to feed them, was a mystery. Maybe cheerios? I couldn't imagine orks or chaos with too much sugar in their system, so definitely not lucky charms. I drove to the nearest 7/11, and bought them cheerios, raisin bran, and honey nut cheerios. I had to experiment of course. I got back in the car, putting the boxes of cereal in the passenger seat, along with the box of water bottles.

"What are these, gue'la?" The tau asked, sitting on the steering wheel.

"Your food for the next few weeks." I grunted, as the car started up, and I started to drive home.

The Massive creature sighed, sleeping. To'resh grumbled, as a few battlesuits carefully creeped forward. The Shas'vre's battlesuit was still intact, although still covered in slobber.

"Dont worry. We have come for you." To'resh whispered, as they carefully dragged the battlesuit away from the monstrous beast. Then, it lazily opened one eye. The battlesuits froze, as the creature slowly brought itself up. The roar of an engine could be heard outside.

"The gue'la is coming home! We must buy time! He is our only hope!" To'resh said, as the battlesuits split up, trying to coo the creature away. It lazily walked towards To'resh, as To'resh walked away as quickly as possible.

"Foul Beast! Over here!" A voice said, and as To'resh turned around, it was a gue'la. The academies at Vior'la called them "Sentinels". It was appropriately called them this for the light armor and speed they carried,along with light weaponry. The sentinel ran around the creature, as it lazily tracked the sentinel, as the battlesuits carried the shas'vre away. Then the portal to the outside world opened.

"Richard! What are you doing?" I scolded, as my shar pei yelped, running to me. I hugged him, the dog licking my face.

"Gue'la? You own the beast?" Foresight asked, as he pulled a battlesuit up, it now moving.

"Yes. It's my pet." I said, as Richard went back to the tau.

"Richard no! Leave them alone." I said, as the orks came out of my pockets.

"Zog! Look at dat squig! Boyz! Lets roide it!" One of them said. The orks hooted and hollered, as they raced each other to see who could get on it first,

"Guys, NO GET OFF OF HIM!" I yelled, as the orks grappled onto Richards back. Richard didn't mind though, because Richard was the laziest slob I know. He just went back onto his bed, and layed down, the orks wailing that their big squig could not move. I went into the kitchen, putting the boxes of Cereal on the tables.

"Good evening, Governor!" Irina said happily, coming out of a bunker, her retinue coming with her.

"Good evening." I smiled, before my face formed back into a scowl, as the orks tried to get Richard up in the corner of my eye.

"Knock it off!" I yelled at them, as they quickly got off.

"Alright so how is this going to work…" I mumbled, opening the cereal boxes, revealing the packages inside. I could get small bowls, and go to each armies corner, and give it to them then, but at the same time, I didn't want to have to constantly move around, collecting dishes.

Ok. I have an idea."

"This is the stupidest Idea I've ever heard of!" Kateal fumed, as she openly watched the army of chaos space marines and cultists sit on the far side of the table, staring at the sisters of battle, space marines, and imperial guard.

"Well I'm not constantly running around to deal with your shit. If anyone starts fighting, they _will_ be creamed." I assured her, clutching the baseball bat. I arranged the armies on the table of with whom they would be friendly with. Obviously, I put the space marines, sisters of battle, and imperial guard in the same corner of the table. The tau and eldar were placed in another corner, although I wasn't sure if they would be friendly with each other or not, they seemed to be hanging out just fine, and on the last two sections, were the orks and chaos, each with their own corner. Without my enforcement, I likely would not have a table within the hour.

"Don't worry. After breakfast is done, you won't have to see them again." I said, as I got out small bowls, putting in a combination of raisin bran, cheerios, and honey nut cheerios in each bowl, before passing them out. I watched as they carefully examined the food, while the orks just chowed down, not even worried. They watched the orks, as they gleefully chewed at the cereal, casually whopping another on the head. Carefully, the eldar began to chew at the food, and they looked around.

"The mon'keigh doesn't seem to have poisoned us." The Farseer yelled out. At this, the rest of the armies started to carefully eat away at the cereal.

"I hope you guys enjoy." I said smugly, as I put the boxes away. For the next twenty minutes they ate, only talking amongst their neighbors, while the orks loudly and rudely insulted one another, chaos just sat their silently. I had no idea how evil a person must be to relate with them.

"So why don't you guys talk to each other?" I asked the assorted humans,gesturing to the tau, eldar, orks, and chaos.

"Because they are filthy xenos, and damnable heretics!" One of them shouted, followed by a roar of agreement. I sighed. These guys really were xenophobic..

"Well… why are they filthy?" I asked them.

"Because they are xenos!" They roared back. I sighed. This wasn't going anywhere. I seriously started to wonder I didn't just throw them out.


	4. Chapter 4: Doomsday Approaches

Hey guys, Uncle WAAAGH! here.

So This is the fourth chapter of Smallhammer, and so far, I'm pleased of how its going.

I'm getting a lot of support (via story follows. lets me know i'm doing something right.)

Now, i will let you guys in on a project im working on (Rogue Documentor is on pause)

This will be my first crossover fan fiction.

The two universes will be Warhammer and Warcraft, as I am familiar with both.

I also would like to apologize for the long upload time.

I was in Hoboken visiting a friend for several days, so i hope you can forgive me.

So anyways, enjoy!

I decided to keep a journal around with me. This is so I can record, and at the same time, keep track, of all of the things happening around the house hold. If any bullet holes are found in the book, blame the orks. Only they know where it is.

October 26th, 2015

7:00: I woke up again to the roaring of the WAAAGH! It appears that there are more scorch and blood stains on my carpet and walls, and at the same time, more orks. When I asked Doomspitta about this, he said that "Da boyz keep cummin, and den we keepz foightin!". I was rather surprised that they had made a "gargant" as they called it, that looked like me. When i say that, I mean that it has the body structure of a human, and nothing else. It also appears that the boys say that they really enjoy cheerios. Charming.

7:15: After taking my morning leak, (and found some orks swimming in the toilet, which I hastily flushed them down. Leave no evidence). I had begun combing my hair, to find that the sisters of battle have raided my medicine cabinet. I can't find my tylenol. I know that it is them, because i find a dozen of the sisters, high as shit. I decided to return them to the attic, and the cannoness seemed rather furious. Whether it was at me, or the sisters, I could not tell.

7:30: I go downstairs to see, rather surprisingly, the tau, eldar, and space marines, watching TV. Like actually… watching it… without killing each other! It was a pleasant surprise. They have only been around for a couple of days, and already, they seemed to be warming up to each other. I checked up on the kitchen, and realised that my toaster had been missing. Upon interrogation (and breaking a few limbs, by accident, of course.) It had appeared that the "enginseers" had gutted my toaster, for parts to build some structures. They did not tell me what, they wanted with it though.

7:45: I called down the armies for breakfast. Because I had no job currently, I would have to go job hunting. They came rather quickly. First came the Tau, along with a majority of their civilians. They greeted me rather enthusiastically. When I asked them about the incident with the TV, they said that they were on a hunt for knowledge of their new world. Can't say I blame them. The Imperial Guard came next, rather slow to get out of their bunkers, barricades, and trenches. Lord General Irina greeted me, and although she still kept a fair distance from the tau, they seemed rather enthusiastic. I'm starting to wonder if it's the coffee, that's making them all happy. I started brewing coffee, and when they found out, they cheered so loudly I had to cover my ears. For a bunch of one inch runts, they sure make a lot of noise. And there sure are a lot of them… The Eldar yet again, teleported out of nowhere. They seemed to have made a "webway gate" as the farseer called it, right on the conglomerate side of tau and eldar. They still have the habit of calling them "mon'keigh" which disproves my theory of a nickname given to humans. The eldar have shown a particular interest in Raisin Bran. Why they would like it, was beyond me. The armies of chaos marched next. Yet again, they were completely silent, as they set down a ramp, as they climbed up to their side of the table. The chaos guys were starting to give me creeps. I woke up in the middle of the night to hear them chanting away in the office. I'm severely worried what they have been doing on my computer. The sisters of battle, and space marines arrive around at the same time. They are friendly enough, at least. When i thank them not for burning my house down, Eremiel replied with "Gratitude is a reward of Servitude, that we rather would ignore." The orks arrived last, and i knew they were coming, as they were shooting their guns in the air, and every now and then, could hear the death scream of an ork boy. They hooted and hollered, as they climbed up the table. Sure they were short, but they were _Fast_!

8:15: I severely regret offering coffee to the rest of the armies. The orks went batshit crazy, and started to kill each other on the table, completely ignoring the bowl of cereal. Although the sisters of battle wanted to "burn the foul xenos to a crisp." I told them not too. Richard showed up, and the sisters of battle, imperial guard, and space marines fell in love with him. They started putting guns and armor on him, but because Richard is Richard, and gives no shits to anything in the universe what so ever, he didn't even care. Soon, he had turned into a walking tank, and the sisters of battle bowed before their iron god. The eldar started moaning in pleasure, and I was severely discomforted. That type of moaning comes from porn hub, not my neighbors. And all they did was drink coffee, for Christs sake. The Tau started running around, yelling "For the greater good!" and started hugging each other. The imperial guard were the only one who seemed to act rational, even though they turned Richard into a "baneblade" as they called it. Hell of a Halloween costume, though. I decided to bring Halloween to their attention, as it was practically doomsday. After describing in length what would happen (I would decorate the house, give candy, and flip the bird as they left) they seemed rather excited. Maybe Halloween wouldn't be shitty after all.

8:45: Lodax and the warband seemed rather… enthusiastic… about it. I wasn't sure whether to be worried, scared, or pleased. It was all three, most likely. After I asked how they would do it, he chuckled, and gave me a deal. "We will prepare the… decorations… for your "Halloween". But… we require more power. Give us something large and living. Something that bleeds… would be preferable." He told me. I thought about this. I had doubts of what Lodax would do to make the decorations, considering their size, or where they would get the materials. But at the same time, there could be a slight chance that my neighbors would be impressed, and Finally, could earn their respect, although misplaced. I agreed. There were some mice in the wood pile, out in the back yard. How I would capture them alive, was a mystery. They cheered, and halted construction on the temple, getting large sticks, and prepared unholy rituals. Lodax said that they would not fail me, lest he would "Incur the wrath of the dark gods." What that meant, I had no idea. I grabbed my laptop, and got out. Pronto.

9:30: After some digging (and getting attacked by a virus. Thank god for premium protection) I found the universe they were from. Warhammer 40k. A small contingent of Imperial Guard were already on the couch with me, so I decided to leave them alone, as they watched _Saving Private Ryan_. However, the Imperial Guard slowly started looking at the Laptop, and were horrified that the website I found (Lexicanum) had disturbingly accurate information on the universe, even on the horus heresy. Some of them didn't even know what it was, which was surprising.

10:15: I leave the house to go on some errands. Said errands were 1. Buying Halloween candy, blowing thirty dollars from my wallet, getting a bag of mixed candies, which included M&Ms, Snickers, Tootsie Rolls, and Milky Ways. 2. Going to the bank to make a deposit. 3. Visiting my Grandfather (who isn't taking the death of his wife easily. I don't blame the old man.)

2:00: I come home to see the "Halloween" decorations that the chaos warband had made. They did not disappoint. Massive racks coming up to my knees, with the eight pointed star of chaos held bodies, swinging lightly in the wind. Lodax and a few of his entourage stood on the stairs, smug as fuck.

"You remember our bargain." Lodax chuckled, as I finished climbing up the stairs.

"Smug Prick." I said, as I let down my hand, the chaos warriors stepping on them.

"Smug as I may be, I say that the decorations are very… appeasing. The dark gods shall be happy."

 _Meanwhile_

Meanwhile, in the ever shifting madness, that was the warp. Tzeentch sat on his throne, watching the mortal from the warp. He gave a smile, a smile that would drive mortals mad, and bend them to his will. He sipped a martini, made from the tears of children, the souls of the innocent, and the screams of the damned. His chosen form was an ever shifting humanoid bird, his blue feathers blessed with unholy wards. When he spoke, a thousand mouths opened around his body, all speaking in different voices, and different pitches. He held a staff in his hand

"You fucking pussy wizard. I don't see how this helps our cause. We should be bending mortals to our will. Not sitting in a chair, yelling 'Just as planned!'" Khorne yelled at him, barging into the meeting room. Tzeentch sighed, looking up at Khorne. Khorne was in his form as well, dressed in blood red armor that reminded Tzeentch of ancient knights. Warpfire and blood leaked from the joints of his armor, the number eight carved into his armor. Skulls of Hive Tyrants, Helmets of Chapter Masters, and Helmets of Custodes adorned his trophy rack, a chainaxe rested on his back, while a powerfist was attached to his left hand.

"This may the most important moment in your life. Or not. Its up to you to decide. Because I am the Weaver of Fate. Am I? Or Am I not? You kn-" Tzeentch said, before he barely moved out of the way, as a chainaxe was thrown at him.

"Shut the frak up you fucking space wizard, before I shove this power fist so far up your ass, you'll become my new puppet." Khorne said.

"That sounds… perfect." Slaanesh groaned, coming out from behind Khorne, rubbing his shoulders. Khorne started fuming, froth coming out of the breathing grill. Slaanesh as always, was barely wearing any clothes, one showing an entire exposed breast. Of course, Slaanesh was both genders, and she/he/it knew it.

"Please… stop… killing… each other…" Nurgle wheezed, closing the door behind them, as he watched Khorne strangle Slaanesh, all the while she moaned, most likely getting an orgasm. Nurgle looked similar to his greater daemons, The Great Unclean ones. His face had peeled back, revealing a skull infested with maggots. Bloatflies flew around him, barfing digestive juices along his armor, maggots infesting his shoulders. His gut was exposed, revealing decayed intestines.

"Alright that's it. Stop. Now… I have a plan…" Tzeentch said.

"Make… it… quick…" Nurgle said, his repugnant stench making Khorne let go of Slaanesh, all the while she climaxed all over Tzeentch's rug. Tzeentch sighed. He just weaved it today.

"If we play our cards right… we can take over mankind… before the emperor showed up…" Tzeentch said. That got their interest.

"What do you mean you piece of shit?" Khorne growled, looking at Slaanesh in disgust, as she cooed lightly toward him.

"A recent conflict sent The Imperium, Black Legion, Tau, Eldar, and Orks… into the past… in small size." Tzeentch said. Slaanesh looked at him.

"How?" the three gods asked collectively. Tzeentch chuckled, sipping his martini.

"I'm not sure… i'm pretty sure that looser… The Deceiver… had something to do with it. Regardless… the followers of Chaos, are in the mortal realm, before the corpse emperor even showed himself." Tzeentch said.

"So you're saying… if the Black Legion manages to corrupt the human race before the emperor shows up… the Imperium would never exist?" Slaanesh asked him. Tzeentch chuckled.

"Yes…" Tzeentch chuckled.

"Yes… indeed…"

Back to Real time

3:00: I kept the candy bag well hidden, especially after the reactions of the other races to sugar… god help me if they find out that the amount of sugar . Since the Imperial Guard seem well disciplined enough, I ordered them to keep guard. They seemed happy, finally they had a purpose! Auto cannons were being set up, patrols on high alert. They even dragged Richards bed into the room (and therefore, Richard. Lazy piece of shit. I love him.) The Lord General assured me that no one would enter the cupboard (even though I didn't tell them what was in said cupboard.) I left them too it. I wouldn't ruin the fun for them.

6:00: My search for jobs has become fruitless. Thus far. I need to find a source of income, and fast. However, today I needed a quick break. I decided to watch the entire first season of game of thrones, before passing out. My last memory was the sisters of battle wrapping a blanket around me, before I slipped out of reality.

I awoke, not to the screaming of orks, but to an amazing palace. I glanced around, taking in the azure blue walls, eyes and faces screaming cast into the wall with unholy bronze. I walked around, the walls themselves seeming to whisper things to him.

"Imagine… all of this power… yours…" A voice said to him. I shivered, the voice seemingly made of smaller voices, each with different pitches, pronunciation, and grammar.

"What… what are you talking about?" I asked. The voice did not respond, before it talked again.

"Then let me show you…" It whispered. The palace changed, and then he saw the remains of his neighborhood. The houses were destroyed, bodies hanging limply from shrines of horrors, and then I saw him. He was beautiful, and massive. He held two swords in his hand, marks of the dark gods on his armor. He was the chosen of all of the dark gods. The unmatched combat prowess and honor of Khorne, the unholy fortitude of Nurgle, The infinite wisdom of Tzeentch, and the beauty of slaanesh. He was perfect, and around him, an army rose at his feet.

"Long live Lord Daniel! Herald of the Dark Gods!" They cheered, praising him. He roared, as he challenged any foe who dared to face him in combat.

"All of this power… yours… imagine everyone bowing to your feet… no longer would you be considered the whelp of the family… no longer would you be disrespected…" Tzeentch promised me.

"All that we require… is your servitude…" He whispered.


End file.
